The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: Phantasm II

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard for Phantasm II:

• Calling your big evil guy the "Tall Man" and then giving him lifts so that he is even taller. = +25pts
• The implied sexual relationship between the main character and his "Uncle" Reggie. = -40pts
• The extensive use of little people druids and the staging of several scenes around their ability to hide in just the right cabinet. = +25pts
• Watching a grown man toss aside his shotgun in favor of fleeing a two-foot tall little druid up a laundry shoot. = +25pts
• Trading in "gender-confusing-Mike" (think the guy/girl from Real Genius) for "less-gender-confusing-Mike." (back then = +30 pts) Now = -10pts
• Not hiring Brad Pitt for the role of Mike. I am dead serious. They could have. = -50pts
• Calling little people midgets. (in 1988 = 0 pts) Now = -10 pts
• Mike's need to continually dig up graves even though it is clear after the first couple that the bodies are suspiciously missing, thus proving that his time in the mental institution wasn't totally unwarranted. "Look, Mike, you may be right, but that doesn't mean you aren't a little crazy. Let's talk about your Uncle Reggie." = +10pts
• Blowing up Uncle Reggie's house twice in the fist 12 minutes. (2 separate houses. Does this go without saying? Cause they look like the same house.) = +30 pts.
• The bizarre shift in voiceover narrators. Who's story is this anyway? = -10pts
• The bizarre genre shift 20 minutes into the movie. "Horror? No, no, no, no. We saw this movie called Terminator (and at least six other movies who's names escape us at the moment), on VHS, and they were really cool.= -30pts
• Paying for things you clearly stole when there is no actual cashier working there to tell you how much things cost. "What would you say, 40 bucks for all of the large unwieldy tools and sharp objects? Wait, don't forget every mini-propane tank they had and the use of their buzz-saw. Oh, and the chainsaws. Yeah...you're right. 50 bucks." = +10pts
• Talking in the past tense about things that haven't actually happened yet. = +40pts
• Having the main character tell his uncle while robbing a tool shop stocked with shotguns that shotguns won't do anything to the little druids, only to see him 8 minutes later hand over his flamethrower to his uncle so that he can approach a likely little druid armed only with a 9mm. (Additional proof that this movie was likely conceived by an orgy of at least 3 other movies and born in the filthiest B-movie back-lot and left to feed itself or die. Not always a bad thing. This is America, goddammit.) = +20pts
• Second. Best. Back. Acne. Scene. Ever = +75 pts
• Perigord, Oregon. = -10pts
• Oh, look, it's a drunk Catholic priest who questions his faith. Snore. = -10pts
• Uncle Reggie using the term "take a leak" as an excuse to talk with his nephew in private and then standing too close to his nephew while he takes an actual leak, and doing so at an angle that seems to imply he is either peeing on his nephew's feet, trying to get him to look at his junk, or both; while simultaneously trying to convince his nephew (but really, the audience) that he has a thing for the hitchhiker he just inexplicably picked up. You aren't fooling anyone Uncle Reggie. = -20pts
• The ball = +50pts
• Making out with a guy you just met in an open grave. = +50pts (True love. Can you really put a value on it?)
• What are you Reggie? Bad-ass road warrior? Handyman? Pederast? Your tool belt is confusing us. = -25pts
• A bag of bone-dust labeled "Mr. Sam Rami". That explains so much. (The 4-barrell shotgun. The chainsaw. Etc.) = 0pts (We aren't whores.)
• Two words: Chainsaw. Duel. = +80pts
• Gold ball = 0pts (We said we aren't whores! Although a laser that makes things explode and can saw its way up and through a man's back before getting stuck in his jaw comes close.) Who are we kidding, we are total whores! = +50pts
• Three words: Chainsaw. To. Balls. = +30pts
• Turns out shotguns do work. = -25pts
• "Hey, Mike. Remember back in the original Phantasm when you fell into the interdemensional doorway and almost died? That couldn't possibly happen again, right? Mike? MIKE?!" = -10PTS
• The scene with the Tall Man dying from what looks like a transfusion of frat urine. = +20pts
• The final scare in which a main character dies, thus negating a majority of the voiceover. = -50pts
  

Progressive Cinema Score Total: +240pts

Final Note: A classic piece of frankensteined genres that somehow finds itself as the highest scoring film reviewed so far. Good on you, Mr. Don Coscarelli. You completely untalented hack, you.

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: Monkey Shines

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard for Monkey Shines:

• Um, the title. We can't help it if "Monkey Shines" sound vaguely racist to us. = -100 pts
• The disclaimer at the beginning of the movie that speaks to the virtues of "The Helping Hands" program, apparently a "real" monkey training program designed to help the disabled, and the assurances that no monkeys were harmed in any way during the making of this movie. Talk about buzzkill (in 1988 = -25 pts) Now = +25 pts.
• The naked male calisthenics scene. (Only pussies take the time to put on underwear before doing the splits rubbing their sweaty ass and balls on the living room carpet.) = +10 pts
• Living in Chicago and seeing a jogger get hit by a car for running in the middle of the road within the first 2 minutes. = +50pts (Since "dream come true" has no real point value)
• Holy shit, is that Stanley Tucci?! With muscles?! = +10pts
• For the handicap sex scene, which would have scored higher if it hadn't been accompanied by all the monkey orgasms. = -30pts
• Lamest suicide attempt ever. = -10pts
• The monkey & man slow dance scene. = +10pts
• Hiring the red stapler guy from Office Space and having him play the mean animal doctor guy. = +10pts
• The creepy mom sponge bathing son scene. = -20 pts
• A grown man losing a hand-to-hand battle with a monkey the same size of the monkey from the The Hangover = +50 pts
• Watching a handicapped lead "race" across the house only to lose the race to a monkey, who then somehow wrestles all 300 pounds him (chair and all) away from the ringing telephone while tying him up with the cord of the phone at the same time. (I did not make that up. It actually happened.) = +25pts
• The monkey licking the mouth scene. Gross, and not in a good way. = -5pts
• For having a scene where a monkey pees on a man in a wheelchair. = +75 pts (Almost priceless.)
• Watching the main character chew a monkey stuffed animal to death. = +30pts
• For being boring = -50pts
  
• For calling yourself a horror movie = -50pts

Progressive Cinema Score Total: +30 pts

Final Note: Once again the Progressive Cinema Scorecard tells you everything that you need to know. In this case, the closer to zero a movie scores, the crappier it probably is. That and George Romero is going to have to do something truly spectacular to wipe the stink of this off of him.

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: Return of the Living Dead

The progressive scorecard for Return of the Living Dead:

• Asserting that this movie is based on real and true events when that is clearly impossible = +50 pts
• Having the guy who played Governor Fritz La Chatte from the TV show Sledgehammer as one of your leads = +20 pts
• Asserting that all skeletons used in medical reaserch come from India because they have nice teeth = -100 pts
• Having a teenage gang with every single 80's stereotype represented as if they were all in one group and actually hung out together (in 1985 = -20 pts), in 2011 = +20 pts
• Having a main character speak to the integrity of a toxic drum by claiming that is was made by the Army Corp of Engineers right before it promptly falls apart (in 1985 = +5 pts), Post Katrina = +10 pts
• Having your punk chick character talk about her fantasy death and it that involve being raped and eaten by a bunch of dirty old men and then having her take off all her clothes (tops AND bottoms) to dance completely naked on a giant tomb = -200 pts
• Introducing brains to the discriminating zombie pallet = +100 pts
• Not giving the naked punk chick ANY clothes, even after brains start being eaten = -100 pts
• Having a Motley Crue knock-off play during the cemetery awakening montage = -20 points
• Not killing the only black dude in the movie first = +20 pts
• Not putting zombie make-up on a significant portion of zombies in the group shots = -30 pts
• Little person made to look like a zombie with no legs = +10 pts
• Zombies using the CB radios to lure more paramedics/police officers to the scene for more brains = +50 pts
• Bringing back the naked punk chick, even after we thought she had mercifully been killed, and STILL not giving her any clothes to wear = -100 pts
• Clips from the movie you just watched playing during the credits and they ARE NOT outtakes = -10 pts

Progressive Score Total: -280 pts

Final Verdict: Not very progressive, but not exactly Birth of a Nation

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: Night of the Comet

It's a new regular feature on the Carcast site. The Progressive Cinema Scorecard! Joe and I will watch a great cinematic film and assign arbitrary points to scenes/events in films that we feel may or may not be viewed in the current climate as "progressive".

We decided on the "Progressive Cinema Scorecard," since we all know that the title of "Conservatives Cinema Scorecard" would be a misnomer because conservatives don't actually watch movies, or listen to good music, or look at art, or live. And we decided against the "Liberal Cinema Scorecard" because Joe hates communist hippies. As a result, a compromise was struck. (Take note Washington!) The result: The brilliantly named "Progressive Cinema Scorecard."

Progressive Cinema Scorecard for Night of the Comet:

• Having a chick lead who is the best Asteroid player in 1984 = 10 pts
• Having chick lead and her sister being better with machine guns than the boys = 20 pts
• Having a Latino male lead in 1984 = 1pt
• Having said Latino male lead so closely resemble that OTHER Latino actor everybody in 1984 would recognize = -1 pt
• Having Latino male lead return to his house to check on his mother and the only record on display in the entire house being Feliz Navidad, better known as that one Mexican song white people in 1984 would recognize = -1 pt
• Having a bad-ass main chick turn into slightly deranged schoolmarmy wife at the end of the movie = -20 pts
• Having me think there were zombies in this fucking movie when there weren't = -100 pts
• Our liberal use of the word "chick" during this post = -50 pts

Final Progressive Cinema Score for Night of the Comet = -141 points

In short: Far above average for this genre of film produced that decade.

The Wedding Episode

In this episode: Somebody gets married! Here's a hint: It's the only CarCaster who's ever been accused of murder! Learn all about it on the newest episode of Joe and Sean's CarCast.

The Wedding Episode

Sean's Top Albums of 2010 (or around those parts)

Here is a list of Sean’s best albums of 2010! (Who are we kidding...the best albums he heard that year. The guy lives in a fucking cave.)

1. Alcoholic Faith Mission, 421 Wythe Avenue - Nut in Your Eye


2. The National, High Violet - Bloodbuzz Ohio


3. Florence and the Machine, Lungs - Cosmic Love


4. Tegan and Sara, Sainthood - Hell


5. Aloha, Home Acres - Summer Away

Best Albums of 2010, Part 2

In this episode: It’s June 2011, so I guess that means this is the perfect time to find out which albums of 2010 (or earlier) made it into Sean’s top five! Here’s a hint: While Kanye West was invited to stop by and piss all over Joe’s notions of music, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy was not the top album. Which album made it to the top? Listen to the show, people! We aren’t whores!!

Best Albums of 2010, Part 2