BREAKING NEWS: Carson Daly Arrested at Mall of America for Harassing Tweens, Demanding to Know Why He’s Not Ryan Seacrest

Bloomington, Mn. -A deranged and obviously confused Carson Daly was arrested this weekend after accosting multiple tween girls, grabbing them by the arm, and shouting at them in front of their mothers, "Why the fuck am I not Ryan Seacrest!"

According to his publicist, Mr. Daly was in Minnesota to cover the unveiling of the world's largest Temperpedic mattress for his late night NBC show, Last Call. Witnesses claim that Mr. Daily became irate at the food court television, which had been running clips from Ryan Seacrest's E! Show E! News, during which Seacrest showed repeated clips of his own moments on the Fox mega-hit American Idol.

“He would start to ask something about the mattress, and then his eyes would float up to the television screen and he’d just sort of trail off,” said Doug McLauren, night manager for Temperpedic’s Mall of America location.

According to eye witnesses, Daly’s erratic behaviour continued for nearly 20 minutes before he threw his Chicken Teriyaki platter at an Auntie Anne's worker and began shouting, "THIS IS BULLSHIT!! THIS IS BULLSHIT!!" to no one in particular.

Representatives of NBC, the network on which Mr. Daly still manages to have a show, were contacted by The Carcast and asked to comment on the story: "We don't do that show any more. Haven't for years. This is NBC, we make television history. We're not in the business of shelling out dreck." After The Carcast sent them tapes of Mr. Daly's most recent show, an episode that featured Mr. Daly and Fred Durst on a camping trip and talking about how great music was in the 90's, the NBC executive responded, "I'll get back to you." The Carcast is awaiting further comment.

An MTV spokesperson gave a similar account, "Carson Daily? Never heard of him. Sounds like a bad porn name. MTV is not in the porn business."

"Techically," the representative added

Eventually Mr. Daly was subdued by mall security guard, Grover Wilkinson who had located an old poster of Tara Reid from one of the many abandoned storefronts now currently occupying the Mall of America.  Mr. Daly was last seen fleeing the Mall with his entourage, singer Fred Durst and former MTV vee-jay Matt Pinefield. There is no knowledge to his current whereabouts and all calls to NBC have gone unanswered.

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: The Keep

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard for The Keep:

• Holy shit! Directed by Michael Mann! = +75pts
• Music by Tangerine Dream! = +5pts
• The bad guy from Beerfest! Playing a Nazi! (Being in Beerfest = +10pts; Being a Nazi. = -9pts) Net Points= +1pt
• Shooting a movie in what looks like Rock City. = +10pts (See it!)
• Saying the line, "It doesn't make any sense. It looks like it was built, not to keep something out, but-" This phrase has been interrupted for your benefit and has been assessed a Scorecard cliche penalty. = -10pts
• Having the salty old townie tell you to never touch the crosses...and then touching the crosses. = -25pts
• German Nazi soldiers with British accents. = +5pts
• The massive farting Keep sequence (with accompanying architectural anus). = +70pts (A cinema first!)
• Oh, snap! Scott Glenn! = +20pts
• According to this movie, Nazis with green arm badges weren't as bad as Nazis with red arm badges. Hold on, let me just Wikipedia this. Just to confirm... Okay, let's see...Nazis with green badges...Um, hmmm...Nope, all Nazis' sucked. = -30pts
• Holy shit! A young Faux Soze as a bad Nazi general! (For being a Nazi general. = -10pts; For being Faux Fucking Soze. = +30pts) Net. = +20pts
• Faux Soze's German accent. = -10pts
• Holy shit! Gandeto/Mandalf! In this movie! = +80pts
• For the Carcast having never heard of this movie, despite the sheer volume of Academy Award level talent (being made in 1983 is no excuse.), we must penalize ourselves for our incompetence. The Carcast is docked -100 points.
• The fact that everyone in this movie looks the same age now that they did in 1983. = +10pts
• Mandalf's indeterminable accent. = -10pts
• Gandeto's fuzzy mittens. = -5pts
• Really? A scene of Nazi face meltings? In 1983? A few years after Raiders of the Lost Ark? and you couldn't make them look at least as cool? Embarrassing. = -30pts
• That beautifully shot scene starring that moving fart cloud fly thing. = +25pts
• For finally explaining how Magneto got out of the Nazi death camps. Thanks for nothing, X-Men: First Class! = +10pts
• For having the female lead sleep with Scott Glenn, a man she had never met and didn't even have a conversation with. -20pts
• Taking us back to the day when aggressive, flat-hand rubbing on naked backs, and holding hands signified passionate sex. Thanks for nothing internet porn! =+5pts
• Skeletor cameo. = +10pts
• Yelling at your previously wheelchair-bound friend for being able to walk and telling him to burn in hell. = -15pts
• Crying into the arms of the man you just boned, who you don't know, and who has just mentioned he has to kill your father without providing a sensible, or understandable, reason for doing so. = -20pts
• For taking 5 minutes to show us how Mandalf figured his way through the Mines of Moria. = +5pts
• Constantly changing the the hairstyle of the female lead so that we think it's a different chick every time. = -15pts
• Almost killing your daughter because a guy in a rubber Skeletor suit told you too. = +25pts (Hey, we said almost.)
• Does Scott Glenn really need any prosthesis on his already long neck? We don't think so. = -5pts
• For not making any sense. = -25pts
• For the repetitive message that Nazi's were mean. Was this still in doubt in 1983? = +1pt
  
• For an overall lack of accent integrity. = -10pts
• For almost single handedly killing Mandalf's movie career. = -20pts
• We are giving our 100points back to ourselves because it is pretty clear why we never heard of this movie and why none of the poeple involved every cited it in any of the hundreds of interviews they've given since. Carcast = +100pts

Progressive Cinema Score Total: +127pts

Carcast Score Total: 0pts (Just where we like it!)

Final Verdict: Despite several beautiful Michael-Mann-esque-shots, and an amazing roster of (future) Academy Award nominees-ingredients so impressive that we initially penalized ourselves for not knowing of this film's existence-what we're left with was a nonsensical movie that appears to basically be about architectural flatulence.

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: Phantasm II

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard for Phantasm II:

• Calling your big evil guy the "Tall Man" and then giving him lifts so that he is even taller. = +25pts
• The implied sexual relationship between the main character and his "Uncle" Reggie. = -40pts
• The extensive use of little people druids and the staging of several scenes around their ability to hide in just the right cabinet. = +25pts
• Watching a grown man toss aside his shotgun in favor of fleeing a two-foot tall little druid up a laundry shoot. = +25pts
• Trading in "gender-confusing-Mike" (think the guy/girl from Real Genius) for "less-gender-confusing-Mike." (back then = +30 pts) Now = -10pts
• Not hiring Brad Pitt for the role of Mike. I am dead serious. They could have. = -50pts
• Calling little people midgets. (in 1988 = 0 pts) Now = -10 pts
• Mike's need to continually dig up graves even though it is clear after the first couple that the bodies are suspiciously missing, thus proving that his time in the mental institution wasn't totally unwarranted. "Look, Mike, you may be right, but that doesn't mean you aren't a little crazy. Let's talk about your Uncle Reggie." = +10pts
• Blowing up Uncle Reggie's house twice in the fist 12 minutes. (2 separate houses. Does this go without saying? Cause they look like the same house.) = +30 pts.
• The bizarre shift in voiceover narrators. Who's story is this anyway? = -10pts
• The bizarre genre shift 20 minutes into the movie. "Horror? No, no, no, no. We saw this movie called Terminator (and at least six other movies who's names escape us at the moment), on VHS, and they were really cool.= -30pts
• Paying for things you clearly stole when there is no actual cashier working there to tell you how much things cost. "What would you say, 40 bucks for all of the large unwieldy tools and sharp objects? Wait, don't forget every mini-propane tank they had and the use of their buzz-saw. Oh, and the chainsaws. Yeah...you're right. 50 bucks." = +10pts
• Talking in the past tense about things that haven't actually happened yet. = +40pts
• Having the main character tell his uncle while robbing a tool shop stocked with shotguns that shotguns won't do anything to the little druids, only to see him 8 minutes later hand over his flamethrower to his uncle so that he can approach a likely little druid armed only with a 9mm. (Additional proof that this movie was likely conceived by an orgy of at least 3 other movies and born in the filthiest B-movie back-lot and left to feed itself or die. Not always a bad thing. This is America, goddammit.) = +20pts
• Second. Best. Back. Acne. Scene. Ever = +75 pts
• Perigord, Oregon. = -10pts
• Oh, look, it's a drunk Catholic priest who questions his faith. Snore. = -10pts
• Uncle Reggie using the term "take a leak" as an excuse to talk with his nephew in private and then standing too close to his nephew while he takes an actual leak, and doing so at an angle that seems to imply he is either peeing on his nephew's feet, trying to get him to look at his junk, or both; while simultaneously trying to convince his nephew (but really, the audience) that he has a thing for the hitchhiker he just inexplicably picked up. You aren't fooling anyone Uncle Reggie. = -20pts
• The ball = +50pts
• Making out with a guy you just met in an open grave. = +50pts (True love. Can you really put a value on it?)
• What are you Reggie? Bad-ass road warrior? Handyman? Pederast? Your tool belt is confusing us. = -25pts
• A bag of bone-dust labeled "Mr. Sam Rami". That explains so much. (The 4-barrell shotgun. The chainsaw. Etc.) = 0pts (We aren't whores.)
• Two words: Chainsaw. Duel. = +80pts
• Gold ball = 0pts (We said we aren't whores! Although a laser that makes things explode and can saw its way up and through a man's back before getting stuck in his jaw comes close.) Who are we kidding, we are total whores! = +50pts
• Three words: Chainsaw. To. Balls. = +30pts
• Turns out shotguns do work. = -25pts
• "Hey, Mike. Remember back in the original Phantasm when you fell into the interdemensional doorway and almost died? That couldn't possibly happen again, right? Mike? MIKE?!" = -10PTS
• The scene with the Tall Man dying from what looks like a transfusion of frat urine. = +20pts
• The final scare in which a main character dies, thus negating a majority of the voiceover. = -50pts
  

Progressive Cinema Score Total: +240pts

Final Note: A classic piece of frankensteined genres that somehow finds itself as the highest scoring film reviewed so far. Good on you, Mr. Don Coscarelli. You completely untalented hack, you.

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: Monkey Shines

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard for Monkey Shines:

• Um, the title. We can't help it if "Monkey Shines" sound vaguely racist to us. = -100 pts
• The disclaimer at the beginning of the movie that speaks to the virtues of "The Helping Hands" program, apparently a "real" monkey training program designed to help the disabled, and the assurances that no monkeys were harmed in any way during the making of this movie. Talk about buzzkill (in 1988 = -25 pts) Now = +25 pts.
• The naked male calisthenics scene. (Only pussies take the time to put on underwear before doing the splits rubbing their sweaty ass and balls on the living room carpet.) = +10 pts
• Living in Chicago and seeing a jogger get hit by a car for running in the middle of the road within the first 2 minutes. = +50pts (Since "dream come true" has no real point value)
• Holy shit, is that Stanley Tucci?! With muscles?! = +10pts
• For the handicap sex scene, which would have scored higher if it hadn't been accompanied by all the monkey orgasms. = -30pts
• Lamest suicide attempt ever. = -10pts
• The monkey & man slow dance scene. = +10pts
• Hiring the red stapler guy from Office Space and having him play the mean animal doctor guy. = +10pts
• The creepy mom sponge bathing son scene. = -20 pts
• A grown man losing a hand-to-hand battle with a monkey the same size of the monkey from the The Hangover = +50 pts
• Watching a handicapped lead "race" across the house only to lose the race to a monkey, who then somehow wrestles all 300 pounds him (chair and all) away from the ringing telephone while tying him up with the cord of the phone at the same time. (I did not make that up. It actually happened.) = +25pts
• The monkey licking the mouth scene. Gross, and not in a good way. = -5pts
• For having a scene where a monkey pees on a man in a wheelchair. = +75 pts (Almost priceless.)
• Watching the main character chew a monkey stuffed animal to death. = +30pts
• For being boring = -50pts
  
• For calling yourself a horror movie = -50pts

Progressive Cinema Score Total: +30 pts

Final Note: Once again the Progressive Cinema Scorecard tells you everything that you need to know. In this case, the closer to zero a movie scores, the crappier it probably is. That and George Romero is going to have to do something truly spectacular to wipe the stink of this off of him.

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: Return of the Living Dead

The progressive scorecard for Return of the Living Dead:

• Asserting that this movie is based on real and true events when that is clearly impossible = +50 pts
• Having the guy who played Governor Fritz La Chatte from the TV show Sledgehammer as one of your leads = +20 pts
• Asserting that all skeletons used in medical reaserch come from India because they have nice teeth = -100 pts
• Having a teenage gang with every single 80's stereotype represented as if they were all in one group and actually hung out together (in 1985 = -20 pts), in 2011 = +20 pts
• Having a main character speak to the integrity of a toxic drum by claiming that is was made by the Army Corp of Engineers right before it promptly falls apart (in 1985 = +5 pts), Post Katrina = +10 pts
• Having your punk chick character talk about her fantasy death and it that involve being raped and eaten by a bunch of dirty old men and then having her take off all her clothes (tops AND bottoms) to dance completely naked on a giant tomb = -200 pts
• Introducing brains to the discriminating zombie pallet = +100 pts
• Not giving the naked punk chick ANY clothes, even after brains start being eaten = -100 pts
• Having a Motley Crue knock-off play during the cemetery awakening montage = -20 points
• Not killing the only black dude in the movie first = +20 pts
• Not putting zombie make-up on a significant portion of zombies in the group shots = -30 pts
• Little person made to look like a zombie with no legs = +10 pts
• Zombies using the CB radios to lure more paramedics/police officers to the scene for more brains = +50 pts
• Bringing back the naked punk chick, even after we thought she had mercifully been killed, and STILL not giving her any clothes to wear = -100 pts
• Clips from the movie you just watched playing during the credits and they ARE NOT outtakes = -10 pts

Progressive Score Total: -280 pts

Final Verdict: Not very progressive, but not exactly Birth of a Nation

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: Night of the Comet

It's a new regular feature on the Carcast site. The Progressive Cinema Scorecard! Joe and I will watch a great cinematic film and assign arbitrary points to scenes/events in films that we feel may or may not be viewed in the current climate as "progressive".

We decided on the "Progressive Cinema Scorecard," since we all know that the title of "Conservatives Cinema Scorecard" would be a misnomer because conservatives don't actually watch movies, or listen to good music, or look at art, or live. And we decided against the "Liberal Cinema Scorecard" because Joe hates communist hippies. As a result, a compromise was struck. (Take note Washington!) The result: The brilliantly named "Progressive Cinema Scorecard."

Progressive Cinema Scorecard for Night of the Comet:

• Having a chick lead who is the best Asteroid player in 1984 = 10 pts
• Having chick lead and her sister being better with machine guns than the boys = 20 pts
• Having a Latino male lead in 1984 = 1pt
• Having said Latino male lead so closely resemble that OTHER Latino actor everybody in 1984 would recognize = -1 pt
• Having Latino male lead return to his house to check on his mother and the only record on display in the entire house being Feliz Navidad, better known as that one Mexican song white people in 1984 would recognize = -1 pt
• Having a bad-ass main chick turn into slightly deranged schoolmarmy wife at the end of the movie = -20 pts
• Having me think there were zombies in this fucking movie when there weren't = -100 pts
• Our liberal use of the word "chick" during this post = -50 pts

Final Progressive Cinema Score for Night of the Comet = -141 points

In short: Far above average for this genre of film produced that decade.