The Progressive Cinema Scorecard for Caligula:

• WHAT?!? Netflix doesn't have the uncut 156-minute version on the instant queue? Where's my extra 15 minutes of gratuitous hardcore sex? = -200pts
• Screenplay by Gore Vidal. = +50pts
• Oh, wait. Based on a screenplay by Gore Vidal. = -100pts
• Casting Alex from A Clockwork Orange as Rome's batshit craziest emperor. = +50pts
• Tantalizing us with hot '70s nudity in the opening scene, only to reveal that the parties concerned are brother and sister. = -20pts
• Miles of dangling chain gang slave wang. = +8pts
• Peter O'Toole: the drunken, paranoid, syphilitic grandfather we never had. = +30pts
• Emperor Tiberius's pleasure grotto looks like something out of an Hieronymus Bosch painting. = + 25pts
• Holy shit! Is that a human centipede on Tiberius's stairs? = +20pts
• Drowning the stuck-up butler from Arthur in a glass bathtub. = +10pts
• So, wait, no one's going to... I don't know... remove the the thing you used to strangle the emperor from around his neck before letting everyone know that he's dead?  No? Okay, I guess you guys know what you're doing. = -17pts
• Young, partially nude Helen Mirren. = +100pts
• A doomsday machine with rotating death blades decapitating prisoners buried up to their necks in the floor of the Colosseum? Why the hell not! = +200pts
• The constant, haunting presence of Malcom McDowell's supple, hairless ass cheeks. = -30pts
• Caligula delivers the most enthusiastic thumbs-up in cinematic history following Caesonias...er..."erotic" dance. = +47pts
•  Thank God they've captured the ancient Roman tradition of giving birth upright and cruciform for an audience of hundreds. Just like I always read about in my history texts. = +50pts
• Watching Caligula clumisily dragging his sister's naked corpse up the steps to a statue of Isis and knowing that somehow this scene was supposed to inspire pathos instead of snorting laughter. = -25pts
• Wow. I don't even know how to begin to describe what's going on here. So we've got an imperial orgy including all the wives and daughters of the senate, but the whole scene takes place in a land-bound ivory Roman galley, complete with oarsmen and a formation of Roman legionaries sashaying around it in a choreographed dance number. = +50pts
• Watching the re-enactment of Caligula's "conquest" of Britain. I'm glad the film makers captured the classic Roman strategy of sending their naked soldiers into battle first. You know, to weird the enemy out. = +13pts
• Apparently the password to enter the royal palace was "scrotum." = +10pts
• Gross historical inaccuracy. = -148pts
• Gross historical inaccuracy: = +296pts

Progressive Cinema Scorecard Total: +419

Final Note: An A-list Hollywood cast, hopelessly elaborate '70s art deco Roman sets, and a screenplay that unfolds as though it were written by someone who had read a wikipedia article on ancient Rome while huffing paint out of a sack made of mescaline. Even without the fifteen minutes of completely unnecessary and totally unsimulated sexual perversion, there's more than enough jaw-dropping insanity in this film to make Scorecard history.

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: Rubber

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard for Rubber:

• Thinking of a movie that will star a vengeful tire with the power to explode people's heads and then actually making it. = +100pts.
• The feng shue value of placing chairs along a dirt road. Or, what the rest of the world calls littering. = -5pts
• Opening scene driving test FAIL. = +10pts
• Accompanying monologue. = +30pts
• Calling your movie a "great film" before it even starts. = -15pts
• The name "Wings Hauser". +10pts
• Watching a resurrected tire learn to roll again. = +20pts.
• Watching a tire hone its killing talents on empty water bottles, scorpions, beer bottles, rusty tin cans, and cute bunnies. = +35 pts
• Holy cow! Fat Neal! = +10pts
• Audience commentary past the meta-intro. You don't need to tell that a tire with psychokinetic powers is cool. I ALREADY KNOW THAT! = -30pts
• Even tires need to sleep. Apparently at night too. Remember that on your next road-trip. = +3pts
• Running over a tire in the middle of the road and then not stopping to see if it's okay. = -10pts
• Having that same tire regain consciousness, track you down for revenge, and explode your head (for you = -50pts) for us.= +75pts
• Being an officer of the law and not stopping to question the only object rolling/fleeing from a crime scene. = -25pts
• Taking a shower in a seedy hotel room and leaving your front door open for just any old tire to roll into. = -40pts
• Having one of your meta-actors comment that the ass of the female who agreed to be naked in your movie is "not that great". = -50pts
• Renting a hotel room to a homicidal tire. = -5pts
• Implied bestiality. = -10pts
• Full frontal tire nudity. = +20pts
• Wearing leather boots to the pool. = -5pts
• Adding exploded bird entrails to your dad's pizza. = -20pts, Doing it in front of a hitchhiking hippie = +20pts (Technically a wash)
• The realization that your meta-experiment isn't playing out the way you planned. = -10pts
• Attempting to befriend an unstable homicidal tire. = -5pts
• Eating the poisoned food of your own trap. = -5pts
• Filming a pile of burning tires. (pre-holocaust = 0pts) Post-holocaust. = -50pts
• Attempting to fool a homicidal tire to its doom by tempting it with a mannequin strapped with explosives that looks nothing like you. = +25pts
• Coming soon: Tricycle. = +10pts

Progressive Cinema Score Total: +83pts

Final Note: In just concept and initial execution alone, this movie started off with a bang. However, the second drags down what could have been a scorecard record.