Friday, September 2, 2011

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: Rubber

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard for Rubber:
  • Thinking of a movie that will star a vengeful tire with the power to explode people's heads and then actually making it. = +100pts.
  • The feng shue value of placing chairs along a dirt road. Or, what the rest of the world calls littering. = -5pts
  • Opening scene driving test FAIL. = +10pts
  • Accompanying monologue. = +30pts
  • Calling your movie a "great film" before it even starts. = -15pts
  • The name "Wings Hauser". +10pts
  • Watching a resurrected tire learn to roll again. = +20pts.
  • Watching a tire hone its killing talents on empty water bottles, scorpions, beer bottles, rusty tin cans, and cute bunnies. = +35 pts
  • Holy cow! Fat Neal! = +10pts
  • Audience commentary past the meta-intro. You don't need to tell that a tire with psychokinetic powers is cool. I ALREADY KNOW THAT! = -30pts
  • Even tires need to sleep. Apparently at night too. Remember that on your next road-trip. = +3pts
  • Running over a tire in the middle of the road and then not stopping to see if it's okay. = -10pts
  • Having that same tire regain consciousness, track you down for revenge, and explode your head (for you = -50pts) for us.= +75pts
  • Being an officer of the law and not stopping to question the only object rolling/fleeing from a crime scene. = -25pts
  • Taking a shower in a seedy hotel room and leaving your front door open for just any old tire to roll into. = -40pts
  • Having one of your meta-actors comment that the ass of the female who agreed to be naked in your movie is "not that great". = -50pts
  • Renting a hotel room to a homicidal tire. = -5pts
  • Implied bestiality. = -10pts
  • Full frontal tire nudity. = +20pts
  • Wearing leather boots to the pool. = -5pts
  • Adding exploded bird entrails to your dad's pizza. = -20pts, Doing it in front of a hitchhiking hippie = +20pts (Technically a wash)
  • The realization that your meta-experiment isn't playing out the way you planned. = -10pts
  • Attempting to befriend an unstable homicidal tire. = -5pts
  • Eating the poisoned food of your own trap. = -5pts
  • Filming a pile of burning tires. (pre-holocaust = 0pts) Post-holocaust. = -50pts
  • Attempting to fool a homicidal tire to its doom by tempting it with a mannequin strapped with explosives that looks nothing like you. = +25pts
  • Coming soon: Tricycle. = +10pts
Progressive Cinema Score Total: +83pts

Final Note: In just concept and initial execution alone, this movie started off with a bang. However, the second drags down what could have been a scorecard record.

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