The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: Return of the Living Dead

The progressive scorecard for Return of the Living Dead:

• Asserting that this movie is based on real and true events when that is clearly impossible = +50 pts
• Having the guy who played Governor Fritz La Chatte from the TV show Sledgehammer as one of your leads = +20 pts
• Asserting that all skeletons used in medical reaserch come from India because they have nice teeth = -100 pts
• Having a teenage gang with every single 80's stereotype represented as if they were all in one group and actually hung out together (in 1985 = -20 pts), in 2011 = +20 pts
• Having a main character speak to the integrity of a toxic drum by claiming that is was made by the Army Corp of Engineers right before it promptly falls apart (in 1985 = +5 pts), Post Katrina = +10 pts
• Having your punk chick character talk about her fantasy death and it that involve being raped and eaten by a bunch of dirty old men and then having her take off all her clothes (tops AND bottoms) to dance completely naked on a giant tomb = -200 pts
• Introducing brains to the discriminating zombie pallet = +100 pts
• Not giving the naked punk chick ANY clothes, even after brains start being eaten = -100 pts
• Having a Motley Crue knock-off play during the cemetery awakening montage = -20 points
• Not killing the only black dude in the movie first = +20 pts
• Not putting zombie make-up on a significant portion of zombies in the group shots = -30 pts
• Little person made to look like a zombie with no legs = +10 pts
• Zombies using the CB radios to lure more paramedics/police officers to the scene for more brains = +50 pts
• Bringing back the naked punk chick, even after we thought she had mercifully been killed, and STILL not giving her any clothes to wear = -100 pts
• Clips from the movie you just watched playing during the credits and they ARE NOT outtakes = -10 pts

Progressive Score Total: -280 pts

Final Verdict: Not very progressive, but not exactly Birth of a Nation