The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: Monkey Shines

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard for Monkey Shines:

• Um, the title. We can't help it if "Monkey Shines" sound vaguely racist to us. = -100 pts
• The disclaimer at the beginning of the movie that speaks to the virtues of "The Helping Hands" program, apparently a "real" monkey training program designed to help the disabled, and the assurances that no monkeys were harmed in any way during the making of this movie. Talk about buzzkill (in 1988 = -25 pts) Now = +25 pts.
• The naked male calisthenics scene. (Only pussies take the time to put on underwear before doing the splits rubbing their sweaty ass and balls on the living room carpet.) = +10 pts
• Living in Chicago and seeing a jogger get hit by a car for running in the middle of the road within the first 2 minutes. = +50pts (Since "dream come true" has no real point value)
• Holy shit, is that Stanley Tucci?! With muscles?! = +10pts
• For the handicap sex scene, which would have scored higher if it hadn't been accompanied by all the monkey orgasms. = -30pts
• Lamest suicide attempt ever. = -10pts
• The monkey & man slow dance scene. = +10pts
• Hiring the red stapler guy from Office Space and having him play the mean animal doctor guy. = +10pts
• The creepy mom sponge bathing son scene. = -20 pts
• A grown man losing a hand-to-hand battle with a monkey the same size of the monkey from the The Hangover = +50 pts
• Watching a handicapped lead "race" across the house only to lose the race to a monkey, who then somehow wrestles all 300 pounds him (chair and all) away from the ringing telephone while tying him up with the cord of the phone at the same time. (I did not make that up. It actually happened.) = +25pts
• The monkey licking the mouth scene. Gross, and not in a good way. = -5pts
• For having a scene where a monkey pees on a man in a wheelchair. = +75 pts (Almost priceless.)
• Watching the main character chew a monkey stuffed animal to death. = +30pts
• For being boring = -50pts
  
• For calling yourself a horror movie = -50pts

Progressive Cinema Score Total: +30 pts

Final Note: Once again the Progressive Cinema Scorecard tells you everything that you need to know. In this case, the closer to zero a movie scores, the crappier it probably is. That and George Romero is going to have to do something truly spectacular to wipe the stink of this off of him.