The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: The Howling

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard: The Howling

• For being a werewolf movie that doesn’t revolve around fighting / fucking vampires. = +20pts
• Slim Pickens! = +10pts
• Having the mom from E.T. watch rape porn. = -20pts
• For defining the word 'cynosure' for me. Don't insult my intelligence! I know what cynosure means! It means...Wait, what does it mean again? = -3pts
• For the lady, whose action-figured build, football player of a golden-mustachioed husband, is making us question our sexuality. (In 1981 = -10pts, In 2011 = +15pts) = +5pts
• For trusting the skeezy guy who played Mr. Steed in The Avengers.  = -10pts
• For using a tweaked-out hippie in place of a hunting dog.  = +10pts
• For this greeting of a new character, "Hello, good friend!" That's some nice seamless writing, right there. = -3pts
• For having sex on the beach. (Sand gets everywhere.) = -69pts (heh, heh)
• For Golden-locked husband slapping wife. I'm so over him now. =  -10pts
• For having a Werewolf use a filing cabinet. = +10pts
• Killer pulling out piece of his own brain! = +25pts
• Werewolf Slim Pickens! = +50pts
• Lead turning into the cutest, cuddliest werewolf ever. = +10 pts. 
• On live TV!  = +20pts

Progressive Cinema Scorecard Total = +45pts

For not trying to be anything more than scary entertainment featuring werewolves, not the worse movie the scorecard has ever scored. Joe Dante sneaks in a few jabs about our disaffected, media-saturated society, but the commentary just punctuates the action, rather than overwhelm it, though the years have seriously dated the scary factor of the special effects. While not a scorecard legend, we can't think of a more appropriate icon for the event than a werewolf Slim Pickens.

The Progressive Cinema Scorecard for Paranormal Activity:

• For being a recent horror movie that isn’t a remake and doesn’t revolve around Real World cast-offs being subjected to surgical torture. =+20pts
• For being one of those “found footage” horror movies. =-15pts
• Isn’t there only one camera? How come the POV keeps changing in the kitchen? =-5pts
• So, just so we’re clear here, malevolent poltergeist haunting my girlfriend: Totally within the realm of possibility. Psychics who can perceive and study said poltergeist: An obvious load of bullshit invented to con chicks with serious psychological problems.= -10pts
• For giving us the Paranormal Activity Drinking Game (every time there’s a loud noise from downstairs, take a drink; if Micah or Katie yell “Fuck” right afterwards, chase it with a shot; guaranteed black-out drunk in 90 minutes or less). =+20pts
• For defining “demons” for us. (Because an entire lifetime of living in a Judeo-Christian Western society hasn’t familiarized us with that concept.) = –5pts
• Micah’s “research” on the supernatural consisting of one evening thumbing through My First Picture Book of Demons. = +5pts
• Despite the fact that the psychic explicitly said NOT to use a Ouija board, that’s pretty much Micah’s go-to solution. For showing some real moxy: =+10pts
• For being a willfully obtuse horror movie character. =-15pts
• So basically, Kate and Micah share a living space with something that throws stuff on the floor, leaves faucets running, and makes loud noises while they’re trying to sleep. Maybe I’m alone in this, but I kind of think that in order for the supernatural force in a horror movie to really be effective, it needs to be more threatening than, say, an inconsiderate roommate. =-15 pts
• At a certain point, wouldn’t the logical response to the “haunting” be to shake your first in the direction of the loud thumping, mutter a semi-coherent reprimand, and then roll over and go back to sleep? =-7pts
• Sprinkling talcum powder on the floor to solve your ghost problems. From a comedic perspective—almost off the charts—in this particular instance? =– 7pts
• Claw marks on Micah’s picture; I think we see eye-to-eye on this one, demon. =+18pts
• Attempted ghost rape. =+12pts (For being kind of scary. Not for...you know...the whole rape thing.)
• The end takeaway of this movie being “See the next movie to find out what any of this shit means?” = -25pts

Total points = -19 points
As close to a zero as anything we’ve ever reviewed. Proof that the scorecard never lies! We’re pretty sure that we’ve watched instructional videos on performing simple Excel functions that were more frightening than this film.